Vulnerable

This is a hard post to write but I know it needs to be done. If I don't write it, if I don't let you know what I'm attempting, I won't do it. There is something about putting all right out there for the world to see that is...shall we say...motivating? I need motivation so here we go.

I need to lose weight. I need to in the worst way. This has always been my struggle. It stinks because it's all out there for everyone to see and know. I have tried so many times and failed. I have done so well before and then stopped and ended up right where I started.

The thing I am craving the most right now is a lifestyle change. My weight keeps me from doing so many things because it has made me a VERY insecure person. I hate that. I hate feeling insecure when I know how very secure I am in a Jesus who loves me passionately.

And now I have been entrusted with these two amazing little girls and I long to be a good role model for them. I have been talking to my oldest a lot about wise food decisions and how keeping busy is good for us. I feel like I'm a hypocrite at times when I tell her these things then turn around and make horrible decisions for myself.

So I'm attempting. The thing is that when I have started to do this in the past, I jump all on board giving it my all, then fail one time and throw it out the window. So I'm trying to make small steps and work myself into it not just jump in head first and get discouraged. I have been reading Annie Blogs lately. She has started her own journey and it made me want to do it too but in my own way.

We'll see. I don't know what will happen but I want change. I long for some good change. I guess moving to a brand new place with brand new people makes you want to change some things. I don't know. But I do know that I do not want to pass weight issues on to my sweet, precious little ones.

So bring on the spinach! Thankfully I had already started a love affair with spinach so I'm planning many spinach salads for lunch in the coming days. YUM! I have also been making a conscious effort to shop the perimeter of the grocery store. You do know about this right? The major part of your grocery shopping should be done in the perimeter of the store for things like produce, meats, and dairy. (I go to one store that has ice cream on the perimeter. Does that count?) I do not buy snacky things at all anymore either. Pretzels are about the only snack that makes their way into our home.

I'm going to check out Spark People too. I have several friends who have used this site and loved it.

Now that the weather is nice I have started taking the girls on walks around our neighborhood. It's much different walking here than it was up north. There are hills and it is a work-out. I also push both girls in the double stroller so that makes it even harder. I just keep repeating, "One step at a time, one step at a time."

I won't be posting how many pounds lost here. We don't own a scale. Honestly seeing the number flash on the scale is more of a deterrent for me than a help. It overwhelms me so I judge by how my clothes are fitting. Someday I will own a scale and I will estimate how much.

So, if you would pray for me as I start this journey yet again. It would mean more to me than anything. I can not do this alone. This is a battle from the moment I open my eyes to the moment I close them. I could also use a jump start on the metabolism so you could pray for that too. :)

I do have to say that this is a HIGHLY personal battle to me. Posting this here...well I might have an anxiety attack. I do NOT talk about weight, dieting, exercising with anyone. It makes me feel very vulnerable and weak. EXTREMELY. So if you do happen to talk to me about this on the street and you get the "I don't want to talk about this" vibe, slap me in the face and remind me, "I'm your friend and I only want the best for you." :)

Now I'm going to go sign up at Spark People.