Jessica's Theme

Tonight I was visiting a blog that I have mentioned here before Isabel Hope. Their story is heart breaking but they have faith and believe that God will see them through their heart ache. While I was reading her beautiful insights from this journey they are on, the second song in her playlist began to play and something stirred within me. I knew that song. It flooded my heart with memories and longing. Where was it from? Why did it move me so? Why were there tears forming in my eyes?

I checked the title and I knew. It was "Jessica's Theme" from the movie "The Man from Snowy River." Have you ever seen this movie? It is a good old chick flick straight from the 80's. I can pretty much guarantee my hubby would be sneaking peeks at his iPod if I made him watch it.

But why did this song strike such a chord with me? It took me right back to 1989(ish). My dad had to go out of town for work for a while and we had a pretty new VCR. My mom and I had a girl's night. We rented The Man from Snowy River having no idea what it was. We loved this movie so much! I believe we had also rented The Man from Snowy River 2. We fell in love with Jim and Jessica and rooted them on. I was in junior high so I was falling all over this Jim character. I dreamed of owning a horse farm in Australia.

This song took me right back to that living room and my mom. It stirred so many emotions in me and made me cry as I missed her so much again.

Isn't it totally amazing how music or a certain smell or taste can invoke such strong emotions or memories. It is so powerful.

The smell of smoke or the way the wind blows a certain way takes me instantly back to my mission trip to Grenada while I was in college. The smell of coffee in the morning can take me right back to spending the night at my Grandma's house as a little girl.

"Jessica's Theme" is a beautiful song. You can listen to it here. Remember to pause my playlist at the bottom before watching the video which is from the movie. If you are in need of a good romance you should try to locate this movie. I think I am going to hunt it down at our library for some quiet evening when I am all alone and can wrap myself in the memory of Mom.

Missing Her

With the holidays around the corner, I am finding myself missing my mom even more. The holidays have always been a difficult time for me for the past many years. Moms just make holidays special...they have the touch that children need and that touch has been missing for many years as I watched Alzheimer's steal her away. I know it's silly, but oh how I wish we could have made a holiday meal together, gone Christmas shopping, shared holiday traditions. I heard this song today and my eyes just spilled over with tears that I wasn't prepared for. It meant so much more to me this time after losing Mom and having my own precious little girl. Hope you enjoy it. (Don't forget to pause my playlist at the bottom to hear the video.) I hope people see her in my eyes.

What I am Up To

I know, I know. I need to get back into making things like crafts and food. It's been a hard few weeks. My mom passed away on October 10. My family stayed with my parents for the 3 weeks beforehand as we knew it was coming. It has been a bittersweet time. Mom suffered from Alzheimer's Disease and was in bad shape. It was so hard to see her go on like she was. Now she is no longer suffering and that is awesome. But I do miss her. It is difficult to be at my parent's house now with her gone. It is a big change and I think we are doing well considering. So that is why you are all getting generic posts recently on this blog. I will get back up to par soon. I have some projects that I want to start working on for Christmas and such. Thanks for putting up with these silly posts.

I found this on a blog that I read now and then and thought it was cute.

What I am doing right now....

Sitting on an uncomfortable kitchen chair at the computer that has now invaded my kitchen table! I am not bitter about this. I am not bitter. (Keep repeating until you believe it.)

Smelling a stinky dog....we are dog sitting for my in-laws who are on vacation.

Listening to a football game that I care nothing about. It's just background noise for my daughter who was having trouble going to sleep. Sometimes I think it helps to just have the tv on so she can hear something going on downstairs.

Drinking nothing right now but am going to make some hot chocolate very soon. It is cold!

Reading Your Pregnancy Week by Week.

Loving the crisp fall air and smell of leaves burning in the air.

Dreading paying all the bills that piled up while we were gone.

Eagerly anticipating the birth of our second baby!

Worrying my dad as he makes this new transition in life. He was my mom's caregiver.

Wishing that my daughter would stay like this forever.

Praying not as I often as I should be.

Grateful for friends and family who have been such a source of support and encouragement.

Sharing my personal space with a Golden Retriever who is very needy!

Hate

Hate is a strong, strong word. We have been taught all of our lives not to hate, but there is something that I hate. I loathe. I despise. I detest. It is something that crept into my family and robbed me of something very, very precious about 12 years ago. Alzheimer's disease stole my mother from me. She is in the very final stage of this war. There have been so many battles along the way and Alzheimer's has won each and every one of them but it is not the champion. My mom has fought with bravery against this beast. I hate Alzheimer's. I hate the way it allows worry to creep into my mind about my own life, about my daughter's life. I hate the way it stole the life from my mother's eyes and from her body. I hate the way it stole her voice from her. I hate the way it stole all of her abilities to do the very things I take for granted everyday.

She continues to wage war against this disease but it will have the victory in the here and now. My one and only peace is found in the FACT that it will not have the victory in what happens after she takes her final breath. She will be whole. She will know who she is. She will know her family stood beside her till the end. She will know the love that her husband of 50 years (this September) showed her in the final years of her life. She will KNOW! She will see her son who went before her so many years ago and she will hold the precious grandchild that escaped from my own womb this past January. She will KNOW them! Most importantly she will see her Jesus and she will KNOW his plan for this. She will KNOW why she waged war with this disease and be at peace with his plan for her life.

It literally breaks my heart into pieces when I really look at her and see her. She doesn't look like my mother. Her body is just a shell now housing her till she is called home. We are all amazed at how long she continues to fight. When I was pregnant with my daughter over 2 years ago, we didn't think she was going to make it to her birth, but she did. Then we felt like she held on for her first grandchild. Now 2 years have passed and she is still hanging on. Part of me hopes that she can hang on to this September when she and my dad will celebrate 50 years of marriage. A marriage that has been filled with much heart ache...being told you could not have a child, adopting a son only to lose him to leukemia at the age of 13, never fully recovering emotionally from this loss, being diagnosed with something as horrifying as Alzheimers. It has also been filled with joy...having a daughter that you were told you could not have, adopting a son and having so much joy and life filled into 13 years, being able to live your vows of in sickness and in health for others to see.

I don't know why the Lord hasn't taken her home yet. I have been at the point where I am ready for him to take her. She is not here anymore. She is not able to participate in life anymore. I have many regrets about my mom. When she was figuring out that something was wrong, I was busy with college, being engaged, getting married, being married. Those years were a flurry of being busy. I didn't realize the enormity of the situation that was going on with my mom. She never shared with me but I knew something wasn't right. I wish so much that I could go back and just be there with her, hold her hand and tell her how much I love her. I hope she knows that even now. I hope she knows that her baby girl loves her so much and misses her even more.

How often I will the phone to ring and for it to be her to ask me how my day is. How often I want to call her and cry to her about the heartache that I am feeling over this or that. How often I long to see her with my daughter playing. How often I just want to go out for lunch with her. How I just want to see her smile. None of these things are meant to be. There is a plan. It is a plan bigger than mine. Sometimes I wonder about this plan though when I see how Alzheimers has victimized my mother. It is faith that takes over and I have to trust and KNOW that He is in control even now, even when I talk to my mother and there is no sign of her knowing me, no life in her eyes, no voice left in her mouth. There is a plan. I trust that. I have to.