We are considering a move this summer. My dream is to be moving back into a house. I LOVE to drive around our town and look at homes stashing away ideas for someday. We are blessed to live in a community where there are many beautiful homes. My idea of a beautiful home is a place filled with character or A.K.A. it has been around for awhile. I love older homes. There are certainly some beautiful new homes but the older ones have character. You can't build character. It comes over years and from families who fill a home with laughter and tears and memories.
I've been perusing Flickr to find some examples of homes that I am drawn to. (Original image can be found HERE.)
A big porch is a MUST! (Original image can be found HERE.)
Alas....I have let go of these dreams for now. If we move it will more than likely be to yet another apartment that has much better rates for rent but is smaller with much less storage space. BUT the rent is extremely better for our budget AND there is a nice little fenced in back yard for us to play in and playground areas all over the complex.
When we began talking about this I felt so let down. I want a house. But then something changed. I let it go and I began to feel this twinge of excitement about something different, about change. It may not be what I had dreamed of but it may be something so much better when viewing it from God's perspective. So we consider and ponder and see if this is what God has for us. I'll tuck my dreams away for now and maybe someday I'll have a little bungalow with an amazing porch. As long as I am with my little family, I'm home.
I've had this post floating around in my head for a week now. I joined a Bible study at a local church with a friend of mine. It is entitled Ruth: Loss, Love and Legacy by Kelly Minter. Our last session for this study is this coming week. It is an excellent study and I would recommend to anyone who has the opportunity to do it.
I didn't really sit down and pick a study that I wanted to join. I joined because my friend asked me to and I just picked the one she was doing. When I saw the cover of the book something struck deep within me...loss, love, and legacy. Wow! Those are three really meaning-filled and profound words.
Loss: I have been aching lately with loss and missing my mom. It was much stronger during the holidays this year than last. I think it has alot to do with all that is on our plate as a family and being away from my extended family. Sometimes I feel really alone tucked down here and just want to call her. When I am at the end of my rope with tattling and kids not sharing and Hubby has been gone for the third entire day in a row, I just want to call and beg her to come and help me, just be with me. So "loss" is a huge thing that I am struggling with. My loss isn't as huge as Naomi's loss was but it's still a loss and it is where I am.
Love: At my church's Mom's group a few sessions back we had a speaker come in and talk to us about grace. She ended by reading I Corinthians 13 from the perspective of a Mother. It brought tears to my eyes and struck a chord in my heart. I have not been the most loving of moms lately. I have been short, impatient and easily frustrated lately. I think it has alot to do with just being cooped up due the winter weather and lots of illness, but still...
"Love is patient, love is kind (even when we've cooped up for days upon days and we feel loopy). It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud (even when I feel frumpy and out of place, or my kid is throwing a fit and no one else's is). It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs (even when I am at the end of my rope dealing with the terrible pre-twos and emotional 4 year old and I am tired from interrupted sleep and feel like I am single-parenting). Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." (That is my take on it.)
Legacy: I really, really, really want to leave a legacy for my girls that is filled with love, constant, cherishing, unconditional. I want them to look back and remember their mom was kind, loving, giving, and strong only when under the wings of her Jesus.
As I said this is our last week and we will be moving on to another study called "Plan B." That one has piqued my interests too. I know one thing for sure that I have adored being with these other women each Friday morning knowing that they are real and striving for the same goal as I. As I work on the last week of this study, a skit by Nicole Johnson came flooding my memory. It totally speaks about building legacies even in the midst of the mundane task of life. I want to share it here with you and hope that maybe it will resonate with you as it has with me! (Remember to pause the music player at the bottom of the page before you hit play.)
These are my cathedrals. Aren't they grand???? I sure think so and can not comprehend why I am allowed to build within their little walls!
I am so guilty of getting stuck in my own little world and not reaching out to others. This is an even bigger problem now that we are in a newer community. I don't know a lot of people here so I don't have anyone to reach out to, right? WRONG!
I have really been feeling the need to bless others around me. I want my girls to look back and remember the times we reached out to those around us. I want them to know it is important to show kindness to others.
A couple of weeks ago at our church's mom's group a woman from within the church came to speak to us about our true value. This was a quote that she shared with us that I have been trying to cling to: "Comparison is the thief of joy."
It is!!!!! Comparing myself to anyone robs me of joy and the blessings that God has given me and the desire to bless others. It makes me feel dissatisfied with how things are. A direct result of that is that I don't reach out to others. We are called to pursue people but when I am selfishly consumed with me and comparing myself, I don't.
I am so bad about comparing myself. It's not what God wants from me. I am enough. I am perfectly and wonderfully made.
So....last week my daughter and I made 10 dozen cookies that we bagged up and took to some of our new friends. We blessed them with something so small as cookies but it was a delight to see smiles on their faces when we knocked on doors and handed over a bag with a yummy fall snack in it. My daughter and I talked about how it made our friends feel that we did this for them and how it made us feel. She was so excited about this little thing.
I am brainstorming other things we can do together that will bless others and hope to make this a part of our routine for years to come!
As I approached the street my heart skipped a few beats. I flicked my turn signal so I could make the left hand turn. Two sweet little girls were sound asleep behind me in the van so I could lose myself in memories. How is it over a year already? It feels like just yesterday we walked down that familiar block to the little park with a picnic in hand and a baby in the stroller.
I came to a complete stop at the three way stop as I always did after being kindly reminded by an officer a few years back. There were the two Victorian homes that looked like they belong in the pages of a book about doll houses. There was the chain link fence marking our driveway which was now filled with two cars that I don't recognize.
There is the house...our home. Oh, my heart almost floated away. I have missed that house so much. It looked so different yet so much the same to me. I wanted to turn in to that driveway, take my girls out of the van, and scurry in to get supper started but I drove on. I drove on down the street to the end and turned.
I saw a new mother pushing her new baby in the stroller with tears streaming down her face as she fought feelings of inadequacy and being overwhelmed. (She was on her phone so I am sure she was talking to her best friend who told her she was doing just fine and it would get so much easier.) Then I passed a mom pushing a little girl who was a bit older and she had that pregnant glow on her face. Then there just a ways up the street was a mother pushing a brand new baby with her big sister in front. She looked pretty sleep deprived but she was beaming with pride over her brood.
Then I came back to the main street, the beautiful tree lined main street and turned to head out of town back to my new home.
I kind of wished I could go back in time to that younger mom and tell her, "Enjoy this moment. Live it to it's fullest. Don't take it for granted. Change will come as it always does. Suck the marrow out of what you have now and hang on during the ride."
As I drove south with those two older girls asleep in the back, I realized that is what I need to do now. Suck the marrow out of this moment. (I love that line that I got from Kelle Hampton. She has inspired me to want to suck out the marrow!) Yes, I live in an apartment. Yes, my husband goes to school full time. Yes, we are in a way, starting over in our mid-30's while everyone else around us seems settled. Yes, change scared the heck fire out of me. BUT I have this moment. I will never get it back. So, pull up the stool, grab a straw and start sucking out the good stuff.
I found this quote on a friend's Facebook page today and boy, did it hit me in between the eyes. "You are the way you are because that's the way you want to be. If you really wanted to be any different, you would be in the process of changing right now." (I couldn't make out the name of the person who said this quote. Sorry!)
Start looking at the glass being half full and not half empty!
I have been an Amy Grant fan since the beginning of my junior high years. I sang all of her songs into my hairbrush. I went to her concerts. I sported her concert t-shirts with pride. I haven't followed her much in the recent years but I caught her newest song on the radio and loved it. It is so simple, so real just like many of her lyrics. She can hammer the nail on it's head pretty well. I read her new book Mosaic also this past winter and it was really well done. I was inspired by her honesty.
The lyrics to this new song are so simple but so insightful. This is just how God wants us to come to Him in a simple way. He doesn't want us to be fake. He longs for us to be real, authentic right where we are, whatever moment we are in.
The first two lines are what really caught my attention and spoke right to me.
"God loves a lullaby in a mother's tears in the dead of night.
Better than a hallelujah sometimes."
I had some very rough days with my littlest girl. She has such extreme moods either the happiest, funniest little thing or really unhappy.
Tonight my oldest daughter chose a Mother Goose book before bed and we read the following nursery rhyme.
"Once there was a little girl
Who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead
When she was good,
She was very good,
But when she was bad,
She was horrid."
This had to be written for my curly headed sweetie! I'm telling you, it had to be.
She was in a very grumpy mood this past week and this mommy was at the end of her rope. It didn't help that we were away from home without Hubby and out of our routine. We were staying with my dad and bless his heart, he kept both girls one day so I could sneak off and get refreshed over a lunch with my best friend.
All that being said, the way that I choose to react to Miss Grumpy Pants is a way of worshiping Him. When I react out of love and patience, He honors that. And He did. We got through the rough days. We are back home and had a DELIGHTFUL day together today. Can I tell you that when she is in a good mood...it's just THEE best thing ever. Her joy is contagious. It is better than a hallelujah!
(Remember to pause my playlist at the bottom of this page to hear the video.)
Two personal, deep posts in a row. Can you handle it? I had to make up for that ridiculous one a few posts ago that might have made you blush. Ha!
Seriously. I have had an emotionally draining day today. I'd rather not share specifics as they are personal but it's been one of those days when I can't wait for it to be over and start over tomorrow because I know His mercies are new every morning. These days make that little line from a well loved verse so powerful to me.
It's rough this time of the month to keep on trusting with our rent and house payment due. I get very overwhelmed. This then causes me to do very stupid things and I did one of those today and got into "trouble" with the hubby. It's been a rough day, but His mercies are new every morning!
I have really been struggling with the fact that our house is not selling up north. I totally know I am not alone. I bumped into a mom at one of my mom's groups a few weeks ago who was so relieved to have just sold their home and after paying two house payments for 18 months! My blood ran cold when I heard her say that length of time. She was still alive and she still looked sane, so there is hope.
When we took this step of faith to uproot our family and put Hubby through school, I truly believed our home would sell quick. I thought by winter it would be off our hands. Well it is spring and things are not looking too promising.
As I mentioned before we went to my dad's last week and while we were there, we visited our old church. What a blessing this was to me. It felt so good to be hugged so many times! I love those friends dearly. We were also anxious to hear the brand new pastor speak. I have heard amazing things about this man and was so excited to hear him. His sermon was really good but the most interesting thing was when he started talking about the selling of a home during his sermon!
They are trying to sell a home too. He said something like this, "Is it still God's will for you to be where you are when your home hasn't sold after 6 weeks?" Ummm...well how about after 7 months. This hit me between the eyes because, well, I'm there. Is it still God's will? Why won't He just let it sell? What is He trying to do? Does He know what He is doing? Yikes! Scary questions....they spiral me right into that yucky place. That place that I've become way too familiar with...that place that I abhor, but I still take myself there...LACK OF FAITH!
The point was that yes, you can still be in the center of God's will even when things are not going the way you want them to go.
Then he hit me with this, "Honor the person of God before the product of God." When we do this, when we just trust Him even when things are not happening the way we would prefer them to go, we can have joy because WE KNOW God is true. If I focus only on what He does, it will lead to disappointment.
OH MY WORD! Did he crawl into my messed up head to find this out? This is something I struggle with so much. I get disappointed so easily because things don't go the way I want them to go.
Am I honoring God for who He is or am I more focused on what He is or isn't doing for me?
I leaned over to my sweet friend that I was sitting by and said, "Isn't it crazy that we are here for THIS sermon? Of all the Sundays, it's this one!"
I would love to say to you, "Issue fixed!" but alas, I can not, at least not yet. Again this is a moment by moment thing.
This season of life is hard. I have to choose each day...each moment to focus on the good. I have to choose to focus on God for who He is, not on what I want Him to do. I am trying. Today was hard and I failed miserably, BUT HIS MERCIES ARE NEW TOMORROW MORNING!
***Side Note: I am signed up on Spark People but it's a bit overwhelming as there is so much on there. I'm going to ease into that. I am enjoying searching for recipes.Yesterday was a dreary, rainy, cold day, so we couldn't go for our daily walk. I.DUG.OUT.A.KATHY.SMITH.DVD! She kicked my butt!!! I do love her though. She is my favorite exercise instructor on dvd. She seems so real and isn't overly perky. Those perky ones, they DRIVE me nuts when I'm melting into a puddle of sweat and about ready to keel over! Do you have a favorite work-out DVD?Funny story! I did the dvd with my oldest daughter. She thought it was so fun. When she saw that I had on shoes to do it, she wanted her shoes too. A couple minutes later I looked down to see that she had chosen truly appropriate work-out shoes...red rubber ladybug boots! Perfect! She also used two cylinder blocks for her weights! She loved it so much that she asked to do it tonight while I was making supper! She was trying to do the moves! LOVE IT! And that folks, is why I want to do this!
I was busy all day entertaining my father and my aunt who came down to visit us. It was a sweet visit. I cherish these times even more now that we are not close by. I really took for granted just jumping in the car and going to see my parents or hubby's parents. I am blessed beyond measure to have family that I love and appreciate. I wish I could box everyone up and bring them here to live within easy-peasy driving distance. I love family and I cherish the moments my girls have with our families.
After they left, I had my typical "after-being-with-family-Debby-Downer" moment, wishing they were here or I was there. Then I got on my computer and saw that I have so much to be thankful for today. I read that one family has lost a sweet precious 5 year old daughter and another has lost a sweet newborn child. I was quickly reminded how insignificant my longings are in comparison to what these families are longing for...to hold their sweet little ones again, to see their precious smiling faces again, to smell those intoxicating little heads again.
It is difficult to keep my mind focused on the grand scheme of things when I get caught up in, "Why isn't our house selling,""Why is the car making that noise again," "Why are living away from family????" I get weighted down and have a very hard time living in each moment. I don't feel like being joyful when I get so weighted down.
On Sunday morning at church the service was wrapping up in worship after a wonderful sermon on mercy. Two rows ahead of me was a sweet little girl around the age of 8. She stood in the center aisle, having a wonderful time singing and dancing. She was not holding anything back. She didn't care that everyone was watching her. She was praising her Jesus. She was full of joy. She even broke out into the full jumping jacks dance. It was so moving to me. I watched her and my eyes filled with tears as she twirled.
She was not weighted down by financial worries, longings for family, car problems. She just floated and worshiped. I long to be like this child. To praise Him and not be weighted down. To hand it all over to Him and twirl.
Tonight after hearing of the enormous losses that two families are grappling with today, it made me long even more to twirl before Jesus. To shout and praise Him and not take another moment with sweet little ones for granted. To get down on the floor and play more. To get the paint out more. To model a life of gratefulness before them. To show them everyday how to twirl.
"'Don't push these children away. Don't ever get between them and me. These children are at the very center of life in the kingdom. Mark this: Unless you accept God's kingdom in the SIMPLICITYof a child, you'll never get in.' Then, gathering the children up in his arms, he laid his hands of blessing on them." Mark 10: 14-16 The Message
I long to have child-like, unweighted, twirling faith.
I hope that someday my daughters can have this same little conversation from one of my fave movies, You've Got Mail, with someone but in regards to their faith and pure, divine love with Jesus. Joe: Um, is that you in the photograph? What are you doing? Kathleen: Twirling. My mother and I used to twirl.
Have you ever sat listening to someone speak and you knew? You knew that moment was meant for you. You knew those words were spoken directly to you, to your heart. They were words that took your breath away and brought tears of awe to your eyes. That happened to me on Sunday morning at church.
Let me begin by saying that since the holidays we haven't made it to church as much as we would like. This or that happens and we just don't get there. We were determined to make it this past Sunday. With Sundays being our ONLY day together as a family, sometimes it is just hard. BUT we made it. We were late but we were there. As the guest speaker started talking, I knew...he was there for me. He knew what my heart was struggling with and he was going to speak to me. Even though there were 500 plus or minus people there, it felt like it was just me (except when I leaned over to my hubby and asked what he had just said as I frantically took notes).
I held back tears of amazement as I realized that the Lord had brought me to that place and was longing to speak to me through this man, a stranger. I did hold back the tears because I was sitting next to a young college girl who did not seem to be having the same awe-struck experience as me. I did not think she would be too thrilled to have this 35 year old mommy sobbing beside her so I held it together. Can I just ask...when did those college students get so young????
So the topic of the message....TRUST. Yeowzers! Ouch! How do we survive the squalls of life? These are the main points that I got from the message. *Trust in the Lord MUST characterize our lives.
*The one who really trusts in God will know how to respond when times of crisis arise. When things are at their worst, it's really when it's the best because then we MUST rely on God. Crisis lays bare what really matters so that we can pursue who really matters.
*The one who really trusts in God will live an effective life not an affected life.
*The one who really trusts in God knows that circumstances are ALWAYS in the Lord's hand. It is not my battle, it is God's so I need to take my stand FIRMLY. It is so much easier to just despair and be discouraged because then we don't have to do anything.
*The one who really trusts in God can offer unconditional obedience to His will. If I trust firmly then I will stand firmly. The plans of God will supercede my will, even the best of my human plans. He is not taken by surprise. I must wait on Him. I must refuse to act before His will is revealed. Our plans are subject to His approval. Trust is the alert expectation that God is God and He will do what He says.
*The one who really trusts God will experience the true joy of unanticipated blessings from God.
*I can welcome each new day with joy because I trust in Him. The future lies beyond my competence because it is in His hands. I can act even without a guarantee of the outcome because God is with me.
So why did this hit me so profoundly? Well, it is exactly what I have been struggling with. Moving away to a place where I knew not one soul last August was a HUGE step of trust. I really felt like we were doing the right thing although on paper it sure didn't look right. It looked pretty scary. I had so many tell me that they saw a transformation of my heart and felt like we were doing the right thing once I jumped on board with my hubby. I was trusting. I was trusting that God would take what looked like a mess on paper and create something truly beautiful.
The past couple of months, my trust has been wavering. We have been trying to sell our house up north, but NOTHING was happening. The money that we had set aside was quickly dwindling and I knew that we only had enough to get us through March. With March fast approaching, panic began settling in. Did we do the right thing? What were we thinking? How is this going to work?
I have lost so much sleep in the past few weeks. Laying in bed, trying to fall asleep, that is when the reality hits and my mind spirals into the pit of anxiety and worry. Then come the tears. Then comes the doubt. Will He really take care of us? Does He really care about our house selling? Does He really, truly care that the only place I want to be is with my two precious little girls, not at a job? Is He going to see us through this?
I suggest that you don't go there. Nothing good comes out of this spot. Poor parenting skills come out of it. The wrong tone of voice when talking to your hubby comes out of it. Feeling despair and discouraged come out of it.
Sooooo....then comes Sunday and WHACK in my face. TRUST ME! I WILL NOT LEAVE YOU HANG. I WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU. JUST TRUST ME.
At the end of the service we sang the song "All Things are Possible" which I had not heard for years but it was perfect and with tears streaming down my face I sang my heart out. This line BLEW me away, "I will praise you with a new song." I will praise Him with a new song...a new song in my heart, a new attitude, a new thought process. I will trust Him.
So that, my friends brings us to today. At 11:50 a.m. I got a text from my hubby who was at school saying, "We had a showing at the house and the person thinks it is a possibility." SERIOUSLY!!!! I mean, did you hear that? WE.HAD.A.SHOWING.AND.IT.IS.PROMISING! That is huge. My flesh is trying not to get excited. I know that this can fall through because it has a couple of times for us already but I know that He chose today to show me, He is still in control. All he asks of me is to trust Him. I'm going to. It's a decision I have to make not just each morning, but each moment. When the fear sets in, I have to take a deep breath and say, "NO! I trust Him. He will provide something, someway, somehow."
There is a song that has spoken to my soul so deeply since I heard it the first time many years ago and again in this time. The music is gorgeous, the lyrics profound. I can not think of a time that I have listened to this song without tears streaming down my face. I sang it time and time to my oldest daughter when she was a baby and I was in the midst of my mom's failing health or when we lost our second baby. I want her to trust Him. I want her to see her Mommy trust Him. The song is by Sixpence None the Richer and is called Trust. (Remember to pause the music at the bottom of my page so you can hear this song.)
A friend on Facebook shared the following link on her wall. This story is simply amazing and inspiring. The way this mother shares her honest fear and pain during what should have been a time of joy is amazing. I cried my eyes out while reading her story and must share it with you. It is long but I urge you to read it. Her heartfelt honesty and love that has taken root are so moving. Grab some Kleenex though.
There are days when I am struggling with our girls and feel like I could be losing my sanity, then I think about Stephanie and all that she has been through. I think about her spirit and the battle that she faces each day before she even gets out of bed. It makes me realize how blessed I am and how I need to cling to each day and be the Mother that God has called me to be.
Take a few moments and read her story. It is incredible and it is heart-wrenching. She is a beautiful, beautiful woman!
