Just Showing Up

So it is a new year. I haven't been quite sure what to do with it. I have learned not to make resolutions because I never seem to stick to them. A few weeks ago I came across a list of questions for the new year that really struck a chord with me. I had not had time to really sit down and think about my answers until last week. My husband didn't have classes and it was his day off from work so we made a plan. I would get the day to myself to go out and do whatever I wanted to do and he would get the evening to go see Avatar at the IMAX theater with some friends.

A day out...all by myself = BLISS! I adore my family and love being with my girls, but I really need that alone time every once in a while. I have done many of those personality tests over the years and mine always come back saying that my personality type needs time alone to re-energize. I started out my day at a coffee shop downtown, just me, a cup of coffee, the list of questions and my journal. I love to journal. I have a horrible memory when it comes to memories. It has to be something pretty big...I hate to say it and I hate that I am this way, but I have a hard time recalling the little things which are typically the most important things. My journals help me so much in this because I can go back and read and remember. So, I do love to journal but haven't done it in so long. I ended my day out at Starbucks with another cup of coffee and the rest of the questions.

The list of questions can be found HERE. I stumbled upon them while reading another blog and was so struck by them.

The questions were hard for me to answer. I had to be honest about some things and those things hurt. There are some deep wounds that have not yet healed. The healing process has been so hard as new wounds have opened along the way and I haven't been able to focus on healing old wounds. As I sat at Starbucks answering question 2, "What is the most humanly impossible thing that you will ask God to do this year," I was struck by the date, January 18, 2010. It was exactly two years and one day ago that we learned we had lost our second baby. That was the day that things to spin downward for me. In those 2 years we lost our second child to a miscarriage at 17 weeks, watched my mom get sicker from the horrible effects of Alzheimer's Disease, found out we were pregnant again, watched my mom pass away, walk through a cancer scare with my dad, hubby started college again, had a baby, moved away from many things that I knew and loved to a new town, among all of the normal life things that come up. As I looked at this list, I was reminded of a list of life events that I have seen before. It tells you that if you have more than like 2 or 3 of these things happen in a year, you might not handle it well! This all has happened in two years but I can tell you that I have not handled things well.

I have been a person who has found little joy in life, gets VERY overwhelmed by normal tasks in the past months. I have no idea really how I managed our move. I do know that I had some incredible prayer warriors on their knees for me during that time. I have a dear, dear friend that I spent several phone conversations with her sobbing. If you don't have yourself a prayer warrior friend, GET ONE NOW!

I don't want to continue like this. My first few months in our new community went ok but to be honest, I really struggled with just being flat out depressed. I kept the girls and myself busy doing stuff but when were just home, it was bad. My oldest daughter has seen mommy cry more than she should have. I have felt hopeless at times. It just hasn't been pleasant. But I want change. I'm tired of surviving each day. I want to be fully alive. I have the sweetest, most beautiful little girls and I don't want to miss out on them or for them to miss out on Mommy at her best...let me reword that...Mommyh striving to be her best.

I have a very favorite music artist that I have shared about on here before, Sara Groves. Her Add to the Beauty cd is awesome. I have had it for 4 years and it still touches my soul. The lyrics hit me between the eyes. It is amazing. I really feel like it was written and sung for me at times, for right where I am. There is a song on it that has really stood out to me in the past week. The lyrics speak perfectly to where I am right now.

Just Showed Up for My Own Life

Spending my time sleep walking
Moving my mouth but not saying a thing
Hoping the changes would take by working their way from the outside in
I was in love with an idea
Preoccupied with how a life should appear
Spending my time at the surface repairing the holes in the shiny veneer

There are so many ways to hide
There are so many ways not to feel
There are so many ways to deny what is real

And I just showed up for my own life
And I'm standing here taking it in and it sure looks bright

I'm going to live my life inspired
Look for the holy in the common place
Open the windows and feel all that's honest and real until I'm truly amazed
I'm going to feel all my emotions
I'm going to look you in the eyes
I'm going to listen and hear until it's finally clear and it changes our lives

There are so many ways to hide
There are so many ways not to feel
There are so many ways to deny what is real

And I just showed up for my own life
And I'm standing here taking it in and it sure looks bright

Oh the glory of God is man fully alive
Oh the glory of God is man fully alive

There are so many ways to hide
There are so many ways not to feel
There are so many ways to deny what is real

And I just showed up for my own life
And I'm standing here taking it in and it sure looks bright

Don't you just love that? I do. It speaks to me. It makes me want to long for change...to be changed. I know I will fail some days. I will fall flat on my face, but I want to strive for change. I urge you to read through the questions. Answer them for yourself and do something about those answers.

If you need music that really speaks to you...I can not speak enough of the Add to the Beauty cd by Sara Groves. I could post almost any of the songs from that cd right now. They are so profound to me.

Back with a lighter note later. :)